There is no I in Uterus

Well, here we are again that little thing called fertility, Neil and I last week had an appointment with our consultant to get the results of all the poking and prodding we have had over these last few months.

Our fertility issues have been ongoing and really we weren’t 100% sure of what the cause was, I knew I only had one ovary and fallopian tube and that I may have issues with conceiving a baby but as it turns out the problems I had burdened on my shoulders all these months were not just mine, they are ours.

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I have been blaming myself for the whole thing, feeling like a disappointment and feeling like I was not a real woman, That I cannot do the one thing we girls should do so naturally. All around me people are having babies two, three and four and here is me nursing my dog and filling my life with candles and pruck I gather from Tkmaxx .

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Our endless tests have revealed more than we had anticipated which I guess is the point. My ovary is healthy, however our consultant is now concerned that I have endometriosis and the next 6 months will hold more tests for me. Neil had two samples which were not quite as they should have been, I have endlessly joked that he gets all the fun, he goes in with a little pot does the necessary and that’s that, whereas I am getting bloods, scans and having bits cut out of me… Not quite as much fun

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We were told that a normal male sample holds between 15-30 million sperm. Considering the current population of Australia is 24 million that’s pretty amazing! His first sample was 8.8 million, which is the population of london, however it is a lot less than what is considered normal, his second sample was 16 million which could populate northern Ireland, Wales and Scotland twice over ( these statistics are blowing my mind) so yeah I suppose neither of us are all that normal… but that’s part of the adventure  guess

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Throughout this whole process we have discovered different ways to love one another. As I have said before Neil and I met online and we fell in love very quickly, 5 months in we had moved into our cottage, 12 months in we were engaged and 20 months in we were married. Our romance was a whirlwind and really I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Through the last 2 years baby had been on my mind and Neil has really learned to love the different parts of me, the sad me who cries that I am a failure, the excited me who has a list of baby names on her phone, the annoying me who looks at baby clothes when we go out and tells him the stories of the exciting things I want to do with the baby I hope one day we will have. where as I have discovered his endless an unwavering love and come to appreciate so much more the amazing man I have been so fortunate to marry

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In saying all of that I know that it may just not happen for us, we cannot predict the future and we have discussed the possibility that a baby is maybe not something we will ever have. I have been “joking” for over a year now that if we don’t have a baby I will get a micro pig called lord fudgeington, because im a slightly odd human being.

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So, the plan seems to be that we have 6 months and then we will return to the hospital and we will be on course for IVF treatment. It honestly wasn’t the way I wanted things to be and I have been slightly saddened that we have to go this way. My thoughts have been so very conflicted in that I am excited at the thought of a little addition to our family yet I am worrying that the IVF will be tough on my body, my emotions and will result in me being very disappointed, having put myself and Neil through hell. However the pain and anguish I feel are all going to be worth it for a baby Patterson… I hope

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So, the plan of attack is that I need to lose weight for treatment. Tomorrow starts my first day with a new personal trainer who is going to be whipping my ass into shape for the next 6 months and Neil is under strict instructions not to tempt me with any junk food! I apologise now for any blog or instagram spam of me sweating and complaining about working out!

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People always say that things worth having aren’t always easy and this journey isn’t easy but at least I have Neil by my side to show me that Love doesn’t lie in my producing little humans, it lies in the life we have together and the memories we are making on this little adventure we call our life

Love Laura

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