Is it ok to Grieve?

Our fertility journey has come to an end.

At the end of 2017 we had the news that we were no longer suitable for fertility treatment as my eggs were unsuitable for treatment. Not really the news we had been hoping for and really the heartbreaking decision we had to make was to no longer pursue the baby we had been so hopeful for.

So many people have said to us that we should adopt or get a donor egg but honestly we are still processing things so couldn’t even begin to be able to think about it all. I think we will just take time to come to terms with what we have been told.

When I met Neil I knew he was the one for me, we fell in love, we got engaged, we got married and then of course the expectation came along of “when are you having a baby?” ….. “Oh it will be you next Laura!” ….. I’m sure you can’t wait to have a wee one of your own!”

I think if i’m honest the social expectation is enough to drive anyone mad. The pressure people put on couples and the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect, to have a perfect little home and family. For some of us it just isn’t the reality of life.

When we first got the news, I found the whole thing horrible to deal with. I cried and felt genuinely like I had lost someone. Was it appropriate for me to grieve the loss of something I never had? To be sad that I had lost the possibility to be a mum? In hindsight, yes it was. I felt silly being upset, no one had died, why was I so sad. I had to take time to grieve and process the emotions of the news. I had to think it all over

I cried over the list of baby names I had made of the names we loved, That i would never be able to say them out loud to an actual child, I cried over the little baby suit I had bought in TK Maxx because I thought it was the cutest thing I had ever seen, I cried because I will never get to be a mum, I will never be able to make Neil a dad. I had so many plans for our spare room, I had been eyeing up cots every time we passed a baby shop and every time we went to Ikea. All of this and so much more I had to process. I didn’t lose anyone. I have just lost the possibility of it all. The consultant did say to us miracles happen but even if that is true I can’t spend all my life waiting for a miracle that might never happen. I have to face the reality, take a breath and appreciate what I actually do have in my life.

So where do we go from here?…

 

I have after some thought and time to absorb everything decided that not having a baby, doesn’t make me a bad person, It won’t make me a bad wife, a bad sister, a bad niece or a bad best friend. It doesn’t make me less of a person or a woman, it just means I have a different path to follow, one in which Neil and I can live a wonderful life putting one another first and spending our time enjoying the life we have created for each other, even if that doesn’t include creating a new little life. We can spend time focused on each other, we can travel, we can make our cottage our dream home.

I really do love our life, we can go wherever want, we can do what we like, with no one to worry about except ourselves. ( as I write that it seems like i’m being incredibly selfish, but genuinely I feel we are just working with the cards we have here!) I think that I have come to the conclusion that life isn’t all about babies.

I don’t need to be a mother to be happy.

I think happiness is what you want it to be. Wither that be 10 children or none.

Happiness can be so many things Whether it be Spending all evening in a bath reading your favourite book until the water has gone cold, it could be eating pizza or travelling the world or just simply staying home. Happiness comes in so many different forms and it is as personal and individual as your fingerprint.

I can without reservation say I am happy in my life.  When I look at the bigger picture it’s pretty alright, I have a good job and a home I love, I have my own car and we can afford to live a comfortable life. However as much as all of that adds to my having a happy life, these things don’t dictate the smile on my face each day.

Happiness to me is coming home to a hug from Neil, with the kettle boiled for a cuppa. Its walking the dog and watching her excitement as she catches her ball. Happiness is dinner for two at our dining room table with the candles lit and time together to sit and just talk. Happiness is time taken to paint my toenails, to bake a banana bread, to do my ironing watching some cheesy 80’s film on Netflix. Happiness is knowing i’m loved, completely and without condition by those around me.

Happiness to me… is MY life,

After a few months of reflection and time to come to terms with the situation we are In I have concluded that LIfe is sometimes not what you thought it was going to be. When I was little I imagined my life so differently, The people in my life are not who I imagined them to be, the man I married was not the person I thought I would marry (he’s better) Life has a plan, I don’t necessarily have a plan anymore, but the adventure of it all is more than enough excitement for us at the minute. We are just taking every opportunity that comes our way and enjoying every second of our life as a duo ( or a trio if we count Riley)

 

my words to you all are:
Take life as it comes

Appreciate the life around you

Take time for others

Appreciate who and what you have
One day you will blink……

Love Laura x

 

wedding

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